Saturday, April 23, 2011

That Feeling

It's sickens my stomach, that feeling, when you can feel so alone in a sea of people. The noise is up to your neck, but all you hear is silence. You send blank stares into the open and no one gives a damn. Your troubles, literally, are invisible. But something in you is hoping that no one will come up, hoping that no one would say "hey". You hope no one will ask you how you're feeling. Because somewhere inside you, you like the peacefulness of the still silence. No disturbance. And for a while, until reality knocks, you're frozen in time watching everyone rush pass you. Your breathing slows down. And your blank stares turn into daydreams.

It's weird, the feeling, watching someone slip away and run off to someone else. You've always loved the innocent crushes you've had on them because you know they'll never know what you're thinking. You hold them tightly to your grasp that never took hold. A touch you haven't felt. But when you watch them in the arms of someone else, you are immobilized. They feel safe together, and you can do nothing but watch in pain. At least for a while. Soon enough, all your feelings for them would have disappeared as easily as a leaf escaping from a branch in the fall. Time moves on, and so do you. Acceptance dives in and start swimming in your veins. But still, in your mind, you don't know whether it's making you stronger, or numbing you from existence.

It's sad, that feeling, when you're so vulnerable and no one knows. Your hands shake violently under your long, tear-drenched sleeves. Your face turns red from pain, from exhaustion, from all the heavy tears you've had to carry. Spending nights with worries laying right beside you in bed, spending the day with total anxiety. You're shaken and disturbed and no one sees. All they can see is the smile you've successfully plastered on your face. A fear to look up, you spend the day looking down onto the floor, sensing your eyes well up with the tears you've come to embrace. You never want to reach a breaking point, because once you've found it, everything else starts to fall apart with it.

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